20/20 Hindsight
 
I've been thinking about self-forgiveness lately, and I asked myself if there was anything I still needed to forgive myself for that I hadn't already. A couple of the usual memories popped up, but after examining them, I found that I no longer suffered guilt or regret because of those experiences. I had, in fact, already forgiven myself. There is a sense of calm, peace, and acceptance in that feeling of self-forgiveness.
 
But, then I went deeper and took the time machine back to my early adulthood, the time between 18-22. It was a time in my life when I was like a candle in the wind, always moving in the direction the wind blew. What was it that my family and society expected of me? I was overwhelmed with trying to live up to everyone's expectations. I wasn't in touch with who I truly was; I was just taking the path that a woman my age was supposed to follow. I come from a traditional family, where my mom didn't work outside the home. My dad was the breadwinner, and my mom was the homemaker. That was the example I grew up with, and that was pretty much what my parents expected me to do, too. Education wasn't a priority since I would end up being a mom and a homemaker anyway.
 
When I think back to those adult years, I feel a sense of remorse and guilt mainly for letting myself down. (For all you young women reading this, PAY ATTENTION HERE!) I didn't listen to my inner voice when it was telling me to finish college first before I became a flight attendant. I didn't listen to my inner voice when it was telling me not to marry so young. As a matter of fact, I drowned out my inner voice because I was afraid I'd miss the opportunity to find a husband (what a traditional thought!). We women have been taught to listen to the man in our life and not our intuition. I didn't listen to my inner voice when it was telling me that he was the wrong man. I didn't listen to my inner voice when it was telling me that if he abused me verbally, mentally and emotionally before we got married, how was it going to be once we tied the knot? I didn't listen to my inner voice when it was telling me not to give up my job and become financially dependent on my husband. I didn't listen to my inner voice when it nudged me to remind me that I was doing everything possible to get myself mired in a very entangled and dependent situation from which it would take years to extricate myself.
 
In hindsight, I can say I wish I had been a stronger person, with more self-confidence, and a clearer sense of self-identity. Then, I wouldn't have felt a need to marry so early, and I would have given myself more time to discover my strengths. 20/20 hindsight is always perfect, and we always know better afterwards, don't we? We berate ourselves for years and years, shaming ourselves for having been so weak and stupid. But we don't have that perfect sight when we are acting in that moment. We are always doing the best we can from the level of consciousness that we're at. Later, when we have grown and changed, we can do better. So, it's unfair to beat ourselves up for something from the past that we regret. 
 
So, yes, there is still something I need to forgive myself for. I feel a strong sense of regret that in my early adulthood, I was not at all in tune with myself. I know that in following my gut instinct, I could have avoided being trapped in a 25-year-long abusive marriage. In my recent introspection, I needed a while to tap into this very old, stuck energy inside of me. I'm not a person who normally dwells on the past, so I had to make a real effort to dig up these regrets of long ago.
 
When I think of it, I play the scene over and over again in my mind, judging myself and declaring myself guilty for not paying attention to my intuition. I am now processing my self-forgiveness and releasing myself from the shame and guilt that keeps the past energy stuck in me. I need to move on and release those negative vibes that do not serve me in any way. 
 
When we release the old, stuck energy of judgement, shame, and regret through self-forgiveness, we free ourselves to become more compassionate, which sends a ripple effect out to everyone in our life.
 
 

There's a Volcano in My Backyard!
 
Fissure 8 has been quiet for more than fifty days now. Since the lava stopped flowing, residents have started moving back to Leilani Estates. Skip and I are among those residents planning to return. We are waiting another final week in Waimea just to be sure Pele, the fire goddess, has really gone back to sleep. 
 
I return to my home with mixed feelings. First of all, I'm are overjoyed at finally being able to go home after what will have been five months of living as a refugee. I've learned to live with just the basics because I have most of my stuff in storage, and I can't really remember what most of that is anyway! I'm so grateful for all the loving kindness and generosity that people have shown us along this journey. 
 
On the other hand, I am a little apprehensive about moving back to a community where living with lava has become the new normal. When I think back to May 4th, when the first lava emerged from a crack in the road, I remember how horrified I was. Being relatively new to the island, I hadn't had any experience of being so close to a lava flow. But, now I'm at peace with not knowing what is going to happen. I know that I only have control over myself.
 
My feelings about living with lava have changed over the course of the past five months after learning how the native Hawaiian people live and deal with active lava flows. I remember reading a story someone posted on Facebook about a Hawaiian family that lives in Kalapana. Back in the '90s, when a lava flow threatened some homes in that area, the family owned two houses next door to each other. The grandmother lived in one, and the rest of the family lived in the other. When the lava flow was close to taking the grandmother's house, she cleaned it for Pele and moved in with her family in the neighboring house. The lava covered the grandmother's house but not the house next door. And to this day, the family lives right next door to the lava flow. This set such a strong example for me, and I have taken it to heart. 
 
I think I'm ready for the 'new normal'.

As day 102 after eruption comes to an end, I take this time to reflect on the amazing journey I have been on for more than three months. I realize how much not being able to live in my own home has changed me over this period of time. 
 
After the lava broke out in Leilani Estates on May 3, we were so lucky to be able to take refuge with several friends and family members. Then, after about 2 1/2 months, our insurance kicked in and started paying rent so we could rent a home. And here we are, still in limbo, still waiting to see what will happen to our home, still waiting to see what the lava will do. 
 
For the past week, fissure 8 has calmed down considerably and seems to be taking a break. Or could it be that the lava eruption is ending? Or is it just a lull before the earth opens up, and the lava starts flowing again? USGS says it could be either. There are optimists and pessimists and everything in between. So, we will have to wait and see. 
 
In the meantime, Skip and I have learned to be minimalists. We put most of our stuff in storage and only take our clothes and a few other personal items with us as we go from one temporary home to another.
 
During this time, I've learned is that as long as I have my health, my loving partner, a nice place to sleep and relax, healthy food to eat, and transportation, I can be very happy and enjoy life the present moment. I am not worried about all the material things I've left behind in storage. As a matter of fact, I can hardly remember what is in those boxes and suitcases. True, when I'm cooking, sometimes I remember that my large pot or my wire whisk is still in storage, and I could use it at the moment, but I make do with what is available in the vacation rental.
 
In just these past two months, I learned that health is our greatest wealth. From the end of June to the end of July, I had walking pneumonia. I had a fever for almost four weeks, and I was so incredibly weak. I spent two weeks in bed, with little energy to get up and do basic chores. I am grateful that I am now almost completely back to normal health again. Every day, I'm getting stronger and stronger. I have started walking again, and every other day, I increase the distance a little more. Come September, we will be moving to Waimea, Big Island, for a month to enjoy some clean air for a while, as we wait to see if the lava flow does, indeed, stop completely.
 
So, I'm back to good health again, and my loving partner is there to support me in becoming the best version of myself. We live in a beautiful vacation rental, surrounded by lots of tropical vegetation. At any given time, I can look out into nature, and completely blend in with the present moment. I think about how grateful I am to experience the beauty and joy surrounding me.
 
I honestly believe that if we had not been pushed out of our home and lived as refugees for the past 100+ days, my life would be much different. I now have a depth I didn't have before and a better understanding of the struggles that others have gone through. I would probably not be able to appreciate the simple things as much as I do now. I am, therefore, grateful that I have made this shift as a result of a distressing time in my life.

The Only Limits We Have Are in the Mind
 
Let's say you're on your third try at something (painting a picture, cooking a new dish, pursuing a business endeavor, going on a first date, etc.), and it all goes horribly wrong...AGAIN! What is your typical reaction? Do you get really frustrated and throw your hands up, throw the towel in, and throw the whole idea away? A lot of us do! It's not easy trying to get something going only to have everything fall apart repeatedly. 
 
A very typical reaction is to cast our efforts aside, i.e. "I'm never going to be a great artist, good cook, successful entrepreneur, or in a relationship. I guess that's for other people but not for me." And so, we give up and move on, not realizing how in our mind we are limiting ourselves, clipping our wings, and keeping ourselves small.
 
I am reminded, here, of a story I once heard at a spiritual talk given by former SRF Monk, Tom Kelly. Once there were two men at a lake. One was fishing, and the other was on a walk around the lake. The man who was walking observed that the fisher would catch small and big fish, but he would only put the small fish in his bucket and return the big fish into the lake. After a while, the observer asked the fisherman why he only kept the small fish and threw the big ones back in again. The fisherman replied that he only had a small frying pan, so he couldn't fry the big fish.
 
This is a perfect example of how our mental constructs can limit us in our daily lives and aspirations. Our ego wants to keep us small and feeling unworthy.
 
What if, instead of limiting ourselves to just 'one small frying pan', i.e. giving up on ever being in a relationship or having a business, we take a step back and retreat from the situation. It can be a formal kind of retreat, in which we go to a retreat center, or it can be a mini-retreat at home. For example, we can spend an hour at our home altar chanting, meditating, painting a mandala, and lighting incense. We can totally withdraw from the scene of frustration and go within. This honors our Divine Feminine, or Yin, aspect and puts us in a state where we can just BE, without thinking about all the frustrating problems happening in our life.
 
When we are just BEing, we are limitless and in a state of receiving. This is when we get inspirations. What is it that your inner voice has been telling you to do over and over again? Does it make you feel good to think about it? Does it bring you joy to talk about it? What are you passionate about? What makes your eyes light up? When your inner voice inspires you, you will know it's authentic because it will make you feel excited and good.
 
So, after retreating from the limiting constructs of the mind, we take a step back and move into BEing, holding space in this state of expansiveness for new ideas. And once we have those inspirations, we can begin to take action and move forward, step-by-joyful-step. 
--Erika Marie Rose, 2018

​When we feel that we are at the mercy of life circumstances or others' moods, we can feel powerless and victimized. We may think that life is against us, unpleasant things happen to us, and we have no control over our life. This can make us feel like a victim, giving away the responsibility each one of us has for himself/herself. When we are in the victim state of mind, we expect others to take care of our problems for us, and in doing so, we disempower ourselves.
 
With the disempowering energy of victimhood comes a whole slew of negative feelings and states of mind, such as anger, resentment, blame, criticism, judgement, and guilt. Our sense of self-esteem is low because we are giving others power over us. If we continue through life fostering these low vibrational thoughts and emotions, they can eventually affect our energy body, and in turn our physical body in adverse ways. Some people spend their whole life seeing themselves as victims, attracting one negative, disempowering experience after another.
 
How can we get our self-esteem and personal power back?
 
The first step -- even before acknowledging that we have given away control over our life -- is realizing that we are no longer willing to tolerate circumstances the way they are. Whether we are in an abusive relationship, a dead-end job, or we feel the need to make others happy while ignoring our own needs, at some point we are going to be so fed up with the situation, that we know something has to change. The sense of never, ever wanting to feel this way again is what gives us the impetus to move forward.
 
The second step is to become an observer of the detrimental circumstances. See if you can find patterns. How do the people and situations make you feel? Do you feel powerless? How do you react? Do you resent and blame others? Take a step back and question your beliefs and actions. Try to see the situation realistically, and from that a shift towards healthy growth begins.
 
The third step is to realize what our role has been in these situations and relationships. How did we get ourselves into this mess in the first place? We might realize that through a past, unhealthy view of ourselves, we may well have attracted that unbalanced person, that frustrating job, or that demeaning situation into our life.
 
After completing the first three steps, there is a significant energy shift, away from victimhood and towards personal empowerment. It feels as if a heavy weight has been taken off our shoulders. We are lighter, as we make room for the higher vibrational energy of respecting ourselves and honoring our boundaries.
 
Step four of the self-empowerment process is realizing that each one of us needs to take full responsibility for his/her life. If there is something we no longer want to tolerate, we need to take the reins into our own hands and make that change for ourselves.
 
When we take charge of our life and make decisions for our own highest good, we are acting out of a place of self-love. This brings about an internal shift into a healthier, higher vibration, and we begin to attract healthy, balanced people and situations into our life. When we take responsibility for our decisions, we don't give our power away. We know that we own our life, and we don't see ourselves as victims anymore. We no longer cast blame, feel guilty, or harbor resentment towards others.
 
We all have beautiful gifts to share, and we aren't doing anyone a favor by playing small.

Aloha and Happy New Year!
 
It's a new year, with a new chance at starting something you've been wanting to do. Did you feel the energy shift between December 31 and January 1? I woke up on New Year's Day just bursting with positive vibes and intentions.
 
Did you make a New Year's resolution? I did. I set the intention to do more to honor my body temple. Now, I get up at a half hour earlier to meditate, do yoga, and include a brisk walk on the days I can work it in. Ha! I'm on day 4 now, and it feels great. Will I keep this resolution? I hope so! It seems to be good for my well-being.
 
However, recently, I was at a spiritual gathering where I heard someone talk about the meaninglessness of making New Year's resolutions. He spoke about the futility of starting something new only to give it up after a short time. His example was that the number of gym memberships always increases considerably at the beginning of January, only to sink down in March/April.
 
Now, that may be true; I'm not arguing the black-on-white facts here, but what about the people who do stick to their new routine? Or what about the people who try it for a couple of months, drop it, only to come back to it again at another time. Maybe the second or third try will stick; maybe the tenth try will work out.
 
The new year is a powerful time to set an intention to start a routine or practice that honors your body, spirit, and/or mind. The beginning of the year has a special energy that is just bursting with get-up-and-go! What is it that is calling you?
 
Some intentions that I set in the past year will be manifesting this year. I'm really excited to announce that I'll be holding workshops and classes starting this spring in my healing space at my new home. We're almost done with the building and are working on setting up the space inside. When the room is done, there will be classes and workshops on Reiki, sound healing with Tibetan bowls, connecting with your spirit guides, yoga, and more. So exciting!
 
Why not take some time to reflect on how you can use the powerful energy of the new year to help support your highest good?

“To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.” ―Kurt Vonnegut

Everyone has a unique gift to share with the world. We are all like multi-faceted gems, each of us one of a kind. Our many trials and tribulations have polished us to shiny jewels.
 
With time, we have allowed the dust of Maya to dull the shine of our sparkly gem. Maya is the veil of illusion that permeates this world. It is a barrier that the ego creates to keep us in judgement and fear.
 
When our sparkle gets dusty, we forget who we are and why we are here. We don't believe we have anything significant to share with the world. Our ego judges us and tells us that whatever we try to create, it will be a miserable failure. Feeling defeated before we even try, we sit down in front of the TV and just consume passively, dismissing once again that persistent nudge our heart is giving us.
 
Take for example someone who loves music and receives the message time and again to learn how to play the guitar. He tries a few times, but gives up because he can't play like Eric Clapton. Or someone gives up painting because she wants to paint like Matisse, but feels like she is a failure. Here, I am reminded of a quote by Stephen McCranie, “The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried."
 
When you're starting out with creative expression, it's great to get new ideas by observing the masters. This is how people learn. Then, after practicing for awhile they can create their very own style. This is where the soul finds its expression.
 
What is it that calls you to express yourself creatively? What are some other areas that people can express themselves creatively in? When do you get your inspirational nudges? Often, it is when we are doing right-brained activities and are near water or out in nature.
 
Now, we are going to remove the layers of dust that have dulled our shine. We are going to let go of self-judgement and the feeling that we are not enough. We are going to scrub our throat chakra until it's shiny and bright.
 
Let's begin with visualization and toning exercises to vitalize the throat chakra.
 
The throat chakra discharges excess energy lodged in the body, which needs to be released. You can release energy by saying words, such as No and Yes to release pent-up aggression and frustration. These words can represent the feelings from an entire range of situations you have been in where you didn’t express yourself. Often the words stay stuck inside until you are able to free them up. Try saying Yes and No right now.
 
We will now do an exercise to vitalize our throat chakra. Lying on your back, put your knees up, and rest the palms of your hands on your belly as you take a deep breath in, and release your breath slowly out through your mouth. Allow a sound to come up from deep within your pelvis. Play with different pitches and qualities of the sounds you are making. So often we are mute when we are happy as well as when we are sad. Let this be a joyful exercise as you play with sound. As you release the sounds from your throat, imagine that they have a color and that you are actually painting with sound.
 
Affirmations
 
I release old, stuck energy from my throat chakra.
 
I release unspoken words from my throat chakra.
 
I speak up for myself.
 
I listen to my inner voice.
 
I speak from my heart.
 
I trust in the integrity of my words.
 
I express my truth through many channels.

​Hello friends,
 
Happy Autumn Equinox! Besides being recognized as the equal balance between daylight and night, the beginning of fall is also a great time to find equanimity within ourselves. We can take this occasion to give thanks for the bountiful harvest that we have in our lives and let go of what no longer serves us.
 
Have you felt the shift in energy that this new season brings? This is the time of year when we go inwards and clear out what needs to be released, creating fertile ground for new inspiration, ideas, and creativity.
 
Here is a visualization for letting go of what no longer serves us. Find your quiet place, a space at home where you usually meditate, a tranquil spot in the woods, or any other peaceful area out in nature. Take a few minutes to quiet down and focus on your breath. Feel yourself connecting with the earth.
 
Next, imagine yourself as a tree; it can be any tree that drops its leaves in the fall. See yourself with strong roots in the ground and a beautiful crown of multi-colored foliage.  Acknowledge the abundance of this natural beauty and give thanks for all of your blessings.
 
Then, one by one, see your tree letting go of its leaves. One falling leaf may be a situation that has been playing over and over in your head. Another leaf could be a behavior you would like to release....and so on. As the leaves drop, you let go of situations, concerns, beliefs, behaviors, and issues that have been consuming your energy.
 
After the release, it is time to go within and consolidate your energy. It is a time for silence and rest. It is a time to tap into the divine feminine energy of just being. This will create the fertile soil needed to be receptive to inspiration. Repeat this visualization as often as you like. It will open you up to insights that are in tune with your true essence, preparing the ground for setting new intentions.